Thursday, April 26, 2007
Alvin needs to stop drinking and driving.
Life goes on...
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Damn... I don't know what to say. I dislocated my damn arm again. Second time this week. This is really getting very fucked up. Now I can't even reach my back without winching in pain.
Anyways, I still went to the gym today. Tried out all the new machines that they brought in. I must say, they look impressive but that's just about it. The old machines were better. Bummer... I need to start looking for a new gym.
Just realised that in this one week alone, I've swam once, bballed twice and went to the gym twice. I'm on a vengence. Lol... Need to make up for the past few months of slacking.
Life goes on...
The dust has long settled. Why disturb it now...
Lately, I've been doing quite a bit of reflecting on my life. And I've come to realise something. That is when a person is totally into something or someone, he or she gets lost in the moment. They do things that defy reason or logic. They struggle to prove that they are right. They fight against all the odds. Only to fall at the end because of the lack of wisdom.
It has happened to me, is happening to my friends and may happen to anyone.
As I sit back and think about my life over the past few months, I began to see things that I've never seen before. I'm able to see the past in a different view. One that is not clouded by emotions.
Many get caught in their emotions like a vortex sucking them in, there's no escape. They view issues with a clouded perspective. Following only their inner raw emotions.
Well, it took me a few years to finally see my folly. But hey, as the saying goes, "Better late, than never".
There's no point holding on to the past for it will never come back. Its easier if you let go of it.. And once you do that, your ALIVE again.
I've changed. I can feel the change. Thou there's still a long way more to go, I feel that I'm moving in the right direction.
Now if anything, I seek wisdom more than anything else.
Life goes on...
Dear friends, thank you for being there for me.
It has happened to me, is happening to my friends and may happen to anyone.
As I sit back and think about my life over the past few months, I began to see things that I've never seen before. I'm able to see the past in a different view. One that is not clouded by emotions.
Many get caught in their emotions like a vortex sucking them in, there's no escape. They view issues with a clouded perspective. Following only their inner raw emotions.
Well, it took me a few years to finally see my folly. But hey, as the saying goes, "Better late, than never".
There's no point holding on to the past for it will never come back. Its easier if you let go of it.. And once you do that, your ALIVE again.
I've changed. I can feel the change. Thou there's still a long way more to go, I feel that I'm moving in the right direction.
Now if anything, I seek wisdom more than anything else.
Life goes on...
Dear friends, thank you for being there for me.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Fuck. Dislocated the damn shoulder again. I need to stay hitting the gym again. Been putting it off for too long.
Life goes on...
Monday, April 16, 2007
"Why me, God?"
"Why not you, my son."
Life goes on...
Thursday, April 12, 2007
In time to come...
Life goes on...
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
I just like to say that FINALLY I managed to sleep without any troubles and woke up to the brand new day with a smile. Haha... I must thank the Almighty for this - I prayed real hard for it. :p
Just got back from supper tonight with my sister. I must say she sure knows how to cheer me up. Then again, its been 3 years since we knew each other. Time flies... Haha...
Came home after work today to find a letter from NUS saying that I've been accepted. And orientation is this Friday. Haa... However, there's still no news from NTU thou.
Well, looks like the next few years of my life has pretty much been determined. I can finally rest aside all my worries and anxiey and focus on my life now.
Life goes on...
Monday, April 09, 2007
Guys... I don't know if anyone of you did it, but if you did, please own up. The tag on her blog was uncalled for. I hope you understand that as much as I appreciate the support you guys been giving me, that was really uncalled for. We don't have to stoop to that level you get what I mean?
I'm really thankful and grateful for all the support you guys have selflessly showered over me. But if you really do care for me, please don't do that again. A simple sms or "Hi" on msn is more than I can ever ask for. Like I said before, I'm a simple man.
I'm not pushing the blame to you guys or anything. But if you guys didn't do it then please don't ever.
No doubt the painful memories still linger, the nightmares that still continue to haunt me and the tears that never seem to stop still take place on a daily basis. But like everything else, time heals all wounds.
I'm pretty positive right now and I hope I stay like this. But I never know when I'm going find myself in the bottom of the pit once again. But no matter what, I'm trying my best to end all that.
Honestly, deep down inside, I've already forgiven her for what she's done. I've prayed about it and told God about it. I don't blame her anymore. I just want to pull myself together and move on with my life.
So, guys if you're free or something, drop me an sms or a call perhaps? A drink or two would be nice. :)
Life goes on...
Friday, April 06, 2007
It was supposed to be a steamboat session. I suppose it was to a certain extend but I just ended up drinking. Drank, drunk and ended up vomiting all over. But at least I was knocked out cold for a good 4 hours.
I guess I must have started talking rubbish but I had not, I wouldn't have found out about the truth.
Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, it did.
My bro told me that he saw who used to be my girl holding hands with another guy on a day when we were out. That day was the 26th of Feb. It also happened to be the date that the picture of her and her ex was taken.
Would that be considered two-timing? Cause if it is, then, it has happened to me thrice.
She tried to cover up. Said she didn't know how the pic came about. Told me that she was in camp. But it was all bull shit. Her camp was on the 28th. I still have that sms which she sent on the 26th telling me her camp was on the 28th. I didn't tell her about that. Deep down inside, I hoped that I was wrong. But I wasn't.
Then today, finally after so many weeks, my bro decided to tell me what he had seen on that day.
I don't blame him for not telling me earlier although I wished he had. Perhaps that would make it less painful now. Don't matter, I'm numb to it.
What really bothers me the most is, why did she do it to me? I told her about my past and told her that if there was anything, tell me. Don't ever two time me. She promised. And she said she loves me. But I guess like everything else she said, they were all lies.
I'm coming clean now. Now that she has blocked me on MSN, deleted me from friendster and removed our picture from her account. I guess its all over. No point lying to myself, no point giving myself false hope.
I really loved her. I really did. I treasured her like no other, loved her like no other and most ultimately, trusted her like no other. I gave her all that she wanted. She wanted me to fetch her, I did... She wanted to eat something, I would get for her... When she was down, I was there for her. All that she wanted, I provided. And all that I ever wanted in return was to be loved. But that never happened.
I should have seen this coming. As our r/s progressed, I gradually felt that her love for me was fading. I couldn't feel her love anymore. I thought maybe I was just being over sensitive but who am I kidding?
So I guess it wasn't my fault anymore. Not that I wasn't a good boy friend. I was just a fling, a rebound guy. Once toyed and done with, discarded aside.
And to think I was actually ready to settle down with her. To think I was actually going to bring her home one day and introduce her to my parents. I started this r/s hoping that it would be my last. Guess not.
Fuck.
How could you do this to me?! I LOVED YOU! All I ever asked in return was your love. And if you don't wanna give, tell me. Its fine, we'll break up. But fuck.. No.. You felt that since you have this fool going, you might as well make the best of him. There's a phrase right? "Sucker that fella".
So now what? Your conscience finally caught up with you? Trying to end everything by running away?
Are you happy now? Cause I hope you are. After all you've done. You should be.
Life goes on...
Hey girl,
Is he everything you wanted in a man?
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
So why your love went away
I just can't seem to understand
Thought it was me and you, baby
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong
Don't wanna think about it
Don't wanna talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
I can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fair
Is the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Shoulda known better when you came
around
That you were gonna make me cry
It's breaking my heart to watch
you run around
Cause I know that you're living
a lie
But that's ok baby, cause in time
you will find
What goes around, goes around,
goes around, comes all the way,
back around
Now Girl
I remember everything that you claimed
You said that you were moving on now (on now)
Maybe I should do the same
(Maybe I should do the same)
The funny thing about that is
I was ready to give you my name
Thought it was me and you baby (baby)
And now, it's all just a shame
That I guess I was wrong
Don't wanna think about it
Don't wanna talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
I can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Can you tell me is this fair?
Is the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Shoulda known better when you came
around
That you were gonna make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch
you run around
Cause I know that you're living
a lie
But that's ok, baby, cause in
time you will find
What goes around, goes around,
goes around, comes all the way,
back around
What goes around comes around
Yeahhh
What goes around comes around
You should know that
Don't wanna think about it
Don't wanna talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
I can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fate
Is the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Shoulda known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It's breaking my heart to watch you run around
Cause I know that you're living a lie
But that's ok, baby, cause in time you will find
What goes around, goes around,
goes around, comes all the way,
back around
Yup
Yup
Yup(let me paint this picture for ya, baby)
Yup
You spend your nights alone
And he never comes home
And everytime you call him,
all you get's a busy tone
I heard you found out
That he's doing to you
What you did to me
Ain't that the way it goes
When you cheated, girl
My heart bleeded, girl
So it goes without saying that
ya left me feeling hurt
Just a classic case scenario
Tale as old as time
Girl, you got what you deserved
And now you want somebody
To cure the lonely nights
You wish you had somebody
That could come and make it right
But girl, I ain't somebody
I'm out of sympathy
See..
What goes around comes back around
I thought I told ya...
Dear Father, bring me home...
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
I guess I am the reason after all.
Perhaps the problem was me. All these while, I've failed to understand her for who she really is, I've failed to satisfy what she really needed in a relationship. Was I so blinded by my love for her, that I've forgotten what loving a person essentially means?
Those phone chats, smses and msn talks. They've all been nothing but superficial talks. I've failed to go deeper, to understand her. To see her for who she really is and know what truly is it that makes her happy. I tried to satisfy all her needs all but failed at the end to satisfy the most basic and essential of all.
Yet all these while, I loved her with all my heart and soul failing to realise that, its because of that very same reason, I have failed. I was blinded.
Perhaps due to my failed relationships and in an attempt to make this one work, I've failed to see the bigger picture.
Maybe thats why this line appeared in her blog, "I love you, but I hate the fact that you exist".
Its probably too late to say I'm sorry. Perhaps even meaningless. But I've tried. Truly I have.
Life goes on...
will you ever come back again?
Monday, April 02, 2007
Enough is enough.
No more drinking till I'm wasted, no more sleepless nights, no more of these garbage. Its time I'd pull myself together and get a grip.
Lately, I've spent all my nights out drinking and coming home all wasted, feeling like shit. Then I try to hit the sack only to wake up 1 or 2 hours later and spend the rest of my nights entertaining those fucked up thoughts that never seem to cease. Meals don't seem that important anymore. I hardly eat anyways. And I spend my days either staring into the air or just limping around lifelessly.
But that is all going to end today.
Life isn't meant to be lived this way. And its just pathetic to see anyone in that kinda state. I gotta love myself more than that to do those kinda things to myself.
Sure, all you depressed souls out there would say that I haven't seen shit yet. And that I don't know what is happening and will never understand. That maybe the case but to hell with all that bull shit. I'm stronger than that.
If you have a problem then solve it. I know I am. At least I'm trying to.
With all that being said, I've got good news! Firstly, I've started taking up a new sport, secondly, I've decided to take up music once again and thirdly, I've got a job which pays wells and demands little! Haha...
Now I know
That I can’t make you stay
But where’s your heart
But where’s your heart
But where’s your...
I know
There’s nothing I could say
To change that part
To change that part
To change...
So many
Bright lights been cast a shadow
But can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding
I’m incomplete
A life that’s so demanding
I get so weak
And all their souls are burning
I can’t speak
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I’ll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home
Can you see
My eyes are shining bright
Cause I’m out here
On the other side
Of the jet black hotel mirror
And I’m so weak
Is it hard understanding
I’m incomplete
And all their souls are burning
I get weak
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I’ll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I’ll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home
**These bright lights have
always blinded me
These bright lights have
always blinded me**
I said
I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I’d never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead
[x4]
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home
Life goes on...
Lord I pray, that you'll watch over her...
Sunday, April 01, 2007
fucking hang over..
what is it that do you want from me?!