Tuesday, December 11, 2007
I've never been a strong person emotionally. But never would I have expected to breakdown in front of all my colleagues at work today.
I was just sitting there, do my work as usual and my thoughts began to wander. One followed the other and before I knew it, I was just sitting crying.
It didn't help that my work place was a mere 5 minutes walk from my grandmother's house.
It didn't help that during her last week I did not visit her.
It didn't help that I regretted. I truly regretted for things I've done and things I did not do.
The call came in on Wednesday night. My grandmother's maid called to say my granny was acting strange. So we rushed down and we were there at 12+ in the night. Only to find that my granny was sound asleep, snoring too. She was oblivious to our presence and chatter. So we left, thinking it was just another false alarm.
The second call came at 7 am the following morning to say that my granny is once again acting strange. I said ok and told the maid I'll be on my way down. But I thought it was just another one of those 'false alarm' so this time I took my time.
The third call came in at 7.15am. This time the maid said my granny has gone. I was shocked. I rushed to tell my parents. They too were both worried for the worst and at the same time, wondering if it was another false alarm.
So I rushed down this time, without my family. I got there at 7.30am. Only to see my granny lying there. Its one thing to see a dead person in a coffin, its another to see granny there, lying on her bed. Yet I have to make sure that she is "really gone".
I was there all alone, the only family. I had to call the ambulance, and inform the rest of my family.
I never would have thought that her death would have such an impact on me. In front of my family, for my mom I had to be strong. But when they are not around. Or when I'm left alone. The emotions just overwhelm me. The regrets... The pain... The misses...
I miss her so much now. I'm so sorry...
I need to get away, I need a time out.
Life goes on...
I need you more than ever... Do you understand?